What the Bible says about Conflict Resolution
(From Forerunner Commentary)
What should we do when we think we see a problem? God is very clear on the procedure. Matthew 18:15 says we should go to our brother, alone, privately. Discuss the concern with him and him alone. These steps work to correct problems that sometimes occur—if they are followed. We know what to do, but we do not always practice what we know.
Our focus should always be on solving the problem, not just talking about it, condemning it, or gossiping about it. Get as few people involved in the matter as possible—in fact, no one else needs to know about it unless it escalates. Concentrate on the matter at hand and do not bring up bygones. Do not burn any bridges or threaten the other with ultimatums. Remember that you are trying to gain your brother, not lose him!
Staff
Confessions of a Finger-PointerRelated Topics: Arguing | Burning Bridges | Conflict Resolution | Correcting Others | Correction | Diplomacy | Going to Our Brother | Gossip | Problems, Solving | Strife
Matthew 18:15 instructs us to deal honestly with a brother over an offense, and not to tell it to others. This is also a great challenge. When irritated or offended, the first thing we want to do is to talk about it! We want to receive encouragement, comfort, understanding, or just get it off our chests. It is critical, though, for us to temper our honesty with the loving attributes of God's Spirit, and solve our differences with words that heal, encourage, and enable greater affection to grow. Honesty may at times require forgiveness and forbearance that neglect and lying might let slide by.
Staff
Are You Sharp-Tongued? (Part Two)Related Topics: Conflict | Conflict Resolution | Diplomacy | Encouragement | Forbearance | Forgiveness | Going to Our Brother | Offending a Brother | Offending by Words | Offenses, Dealing with
Mark well that Jesus says, "If your brother sins against you. . . ." The Greek word for "sins" is hamartano, which can also be translated as "trespass," "commit a fault," or "offend."
Hamartano can also imply the making of a mistake, and this is important to note. The offense might be the result of an innocent mistake by the offender—or the offended person might be mistaken in feeling offended. The discovery of a mistake or misunderstanding by either party can come out in Step Number One, the private communication between the offending and the offended parties.
Please notice that Jesus wants us to resolve such problems at the simplest possible level, if at all possible, before taking it to other people and definitely before taking it to the ministry. It should almost go without saying that we must pray about it in advance. If it is a major problem, we might also want to fast about it in order to draw close to God.
But what if the offender will not discuss the problem in a reasonable manner? What if he will not admit that he has done anything offensive? And worst case, what if he "blows a gasket" and yells at us for even bringing it to him—even in this proper, Christ-sanctioned way?
Then we must go on to the next step (Matthew 18:16).
Staff
Islands and OffensesRelated Topics: Conflict | Conflict Resolution | Mistake, Making a | Offending a Brother | Offending by Words | Offending People | Offenses | Offenses, Dealing with | Resolving Conflicts | Trespasses
Does this mean that we are then free to go to all the other church members and tell them all of the offender's infraction? No, of course not! Doing such a thing would likely precipitate an unpleasant and unnecessary split in the congregation.
It is interesting to note that, at the time that Jesus gave these instructions to the disciples, the church per se did not yet exist! His disciples were, of course, the nucleus of His future church. Yet, even they sometimes had jealousies and disagreements between themselves—yes, even after the coming of the Holy Spirit. We see a few examples of these disagreements in the gospel accounts and the epistles.
The idea that Jesus is getting at here anticipates the establishment of His church and its leadership. It is to that leadership—the church ministry—that the offended person is to go in the event of the failure of Step Number Two.
So Step Number Three is the appropriate time for the ministry to become involved. Again, we must avoid the temptation to jump the gun by trying to involve the ministry before we have completed the first two steps.
Moreover, we should not use the involvement of the ministry as a threat! Doing so will almost certainly inflame the problem. It is vital that we also understand that there are no absolute guarantees that the involvement of the ministry will definitely resolve the problem. Jesus' words in the second half of verse 17 show this possibility clearly. The offending member might not recognize the authority or experience of the minister who is brought in to intervene, or he may adamantly refuse to admit that he did anything wrong. Whatever the reason, there is still the possibility that Step Number Three might also fail. If it does, then we go on to Step Number Four.
Continuing in verse 17, Jesus says finally, "But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector."
If the problem gets this far, and assuming from the beginning that our case is a fair and valid one, we are within our rights at this point to treat the offender as the Jews of Jesus' time would have treated the most despised people, both of their own people (the tax collectors) and of the Gentiles (the heathen).
Jesus implies that, if negotiations fail even after the involvement of "the church" (the ministry), then the offender's unwillingness might cause him to be officially treated henceforth by the church and its leadership as a non-member—maybe even to the point of disfellowshipment or even marking. The apostle Paul comments on this in Romans 16:17-18:
Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them. For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple.
Paul says here that the church leadership is to "note" those who cause offenses. In the King James Version, the term "note those" is given as "mark those." Paul is telling church leaders to mark or name before the church, those who cause division or offense.
"Marking" is the extreme form of disfellowshipment from the church. If a person is disfellowshipped, it is done privately. But if he is "marked," he has done something so serious that it must be announced to the entire congregation. This illustrates what a serious sin the giving of offense can be if not properly resolved.
Staff
Islands and OffensesRelated Topics: Conflict Resolution | Godly Judgment | Jealousies | Judging our Brethren | Offense | Offenses | Offenses, Dealing with
Consolation is better as "encouragement." That you be likeminded is Paul's way of saying, "Resolve these differences." It is easy to see that this places the responsibility on each person to do what they need to do to heal the fractured relationship.
John W. Ritenbaugh
Unity (Part 7): Ephesians 4 (D)Related Topics: Conflict | Conflict Resolution | Contention | Discord | Disharmony | Disunity | Division, Causing | Encouragement | Relationships | Relationships with Brethren | Relationships With People | Strife | Unity
This is vital because we find ourselves living in a culture that is coming apart at the seams because each individual wants to execute his desires. James tells us what happens when individuals begin to do this.
His basic question to the Christian is, "Are we going to submit to God or to our desires for pleasure?" Pleasure here does not mean "fun," as when one goes to an amusement park. James is talking about the desire that normally arises within an individual, who must make the choice of whether or not he is going to follow through and gratify himself by fulfilling that desire. So pleasure here means "that which gratifies."
He is saying to us that, if we seek our desires, then we had better understand that life will be filled with conflict. Why? Because everybody else is doing the same thing. Their desires are likely different from ours, and so our desires runs headlong into their desires, producing arguments, struggle, strife, and war over whose desire is going to be fulfilled. When people do what is right in their own eyes, rather than submit to the central authority, desires will crash into each other, creating conflict. It does not matter whether that central authority is the family, the culture, or God's Word!
This is happening constantly, but God has a solution. It is not easy. The solution is that each son of God bears the responsibility to govern himself, by faith, within the framework of His laws, His principles, His traditions, and the examples that He gives in His Word. We have to submit to these things.
John 8:32 declares that the truth sets us free, but it will never set anyone free unless it is submitted to. Truth is good only as it is used, so a person must submit to it. Inevitably, differences will arise on what things should be done or how they should be done. But God has a way of resolving these problems if we will submit and not succumb to impatience—if we do not force our will and thus force conflict.
John W. Ritenbaugh
Submitting (Part 2)Related Topics: Conflict | Conflict Resolution | Desire | Desire as a Bridgehead to Sin | Flesh, Gratification of | Pleasure | Resolving Conflicts | Submitting to God | Submitting to the Truth