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What the Bible says about Provoking Children to Wrath
(From Forerunner Commentary)

Proverbs 26:24-26

Secular sociologists and psychologists have done extensive research and observation on most human behaviors, the various forms of anger being no exception. During World War II, military psychologists first used the term "passive-aggressive" to denote the behavior of soldiers who displayed passive resistance and reluctant compliance to orders. While "passive-aggressive" may sound like a person who switches between extremes—first passive, then aggressive—it actually describes one who is aggressive but in a passive, hidden, subtle way.

According to these scientists' findings, such aggression—anger, wrath, malice, hatred—may manifest in "striking out" at others in ways that would not normally be considered violent. In their definition, passive aggression can include behaviors such as verbal ambiguity or mixed messages; avoiding responsibility; blaming others; chronic lateness and forgetfulness to avoid an obligation; complaining and general negativity; intentional inefficiency; avoiding verbal or emotional intimacy; not trusting others; manipulation and control of others; superficial submissiveness; back-handed compliments; fault-finding as a defense against getting too close; withholding information; showing displeasure by not conforming to expectations or standards; focusing discontentment on authority figures (employer, parent, teacher, even a spouse who has taken on the parental role); envy and resentment of peers who succeed or are viewed positively by authority figures; obstructing or sabotaging the plans of others; sullenness or sulking; and procrastination when assigned a task that is disliked.

At the root of these behaviors is unresolved anger, frequently from childhood and adolescence. Researchers have found that individuals exhibiting passive-aggressive traits often began doing so due to a "power struggle" with a parent. When that primary relationship is dysfunctional, the child of a harsh or intractable parent finds other ways of "expressing" himself—ways to "even the score" without doing anything that really crosses the line. If these patterns of subtly exhibiting anger become ingrained, they carry through into adult relationships and occupations. They become the "normal" way of dealing with things that make the person uncomfortable or if "unreasonable" expectations are put upon him.

Latent anger becomes the lens through which the individual sees the world, and passive-aggressive behavior becomes second nature. Thus Paul twice specifically counsels fathers "not [to] provoke your children to wrath" (Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21). As we noted, wrath can be open and obvious or subtle and hidden, and it can acquire targets unrelated to the source.

Anger, malice, hatred, and wrath are habits. They are learned and practiced. By the same token, they can be broken and replaced with appropriate and godly responses. Jesus Christ came to fulfill the prophecy in Isaiah 61:1, which includes "healing the brokenhearted" (see Luke 4:18). That healing, if we are willing, includes emotional wounds—"broken hearts"—as well as physical ailments.

When we become aware of areas where our hearts are "broken"—areas where they have sustained injury or where we can see they do not work as God's heart does—it is appropriate to take this before God, acknowledge the brokenness, and ask for His healing. Sometimes the healing is instant, and other times it is a process that can take a long time.

David C. Grabbe
Hidden Anger (Part Three)

Ephesians 6:4

Just because he says "fathers," he does not exclude mothers. Paul simply addresses the party with the overall responsibility.

Even though it is not directly stated, we must remember that God consistently teaches that the strong are responsible to care for the weak. In this context, the parents are strong, the children are weak. However, parents must not depend upon their size and strength to demand respect, but should strive to earn it through strength of character, wisdom, and clearly expressed love.

The Greek word translated "bring them up" at first meant merely providing bodily nourishment. Through time its usage extended to include education in its entirety since bringing up children obviously is more than just feeding a child food. "Training" is more correct than the weak "nurture" used in the KJV. The Greek word means "to train or discipline by repeated and narrow exercises in a matter." It implies action more than intellectual thought and corresponds to the word "train" in Proverbs 22:6, which means "to hedge" or "narrow in." Thus God expects parents to train their children to walk the straight and narrow way rather than allowing them to wander aimlessly about on the broad way.

Paul adds in Colossians 3:21, "Fathers, do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged." To some degree, all children resist their parents and what they represent and teach. How parents overcome it is Paul's concern. These verses testify that many parents strive to elicit their children's obedience and respect in the wrong manner.

The wrong way provokes embittered, fretful, defensive, listless, resentful, moody, angry, or sullen children. Paul counsels not to challenge the child's resistance with an unreasonable exercise of authority. Correction is necessary, but a parent must administer it in the right spirit, counterbalanced by lavish affection and acceptance. A twig should be bent with caution.

Firmness does not need to be harsh nor cruel. Punishment should never be revenge nor dispensed just because the parent is irritated. Severity only hardens the child and makes him more desperate. If a parent does not use his authority justly, he cannot expect a child to be respectful. It does not happen automatically.

John W. Ritenbaugh
The Fifth Commandment (1997)

Ephesians 6:4

Parents are not to provoke their children "but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord." Our heavenly Father sets the example by publicly honoring His Son more than once (Matthew 3:17; 17:5). Jesus preaches a heartwarming passage of the closeness He has with His Father (John 5:18-30) and the mutual respect and honor that is present in their relationship. Our heavenly Father honors His Son and expects us to honor Him also (John 5:23).

Those of us with children, especially, should take time to study this section carefully. Do we treat our children with dignity and respect due someone made in the image of God? How we treat our children can indicate how we might lead a city. Are we prepared to receive a city from God (Luke 19:15-24), or do we need to learn more about encouraging and even correcting in a way that maintains a person's dignity, self-respect, and honor?

Staff
A Matter of Honor

Ephesians 6:4

In Ephesians 6:4, Paul directly addresses fathers. Connecting it to Colossians 3:21 will give us a broader view of what Paul is addressing: "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." Mothers can also have this problem, but fathers are by nature far more likely to commit this child-training error. This verse is more clearly rendered, "Do not embitter or exasperate your children lest they become discouraged." The words "to anger," as in the King James Version, are not in the Greek text. The apostle is encouraging parents not to do things to their children like being overbearing, constantly finding fault, and nagging. The final phrase indicates, ". . . for fear that the child will become listless, moody, or sullen."

Paul appeals to parents to train their children thoughtfully, so that their children's characters and personalities are formed without self-esteem being destroyed. He allows for correction, but at the same time he urges patience with the children's inexperience. Correction should never be revenge. It must be given for the child's good but always within measure to the infraction.

His directive in Ephesians 6:4 is stronger; it could easily be translated, "Do not enrage your children to anger." Discouragement, growing from exasperation, tends to lead a person to give up. By contrast, enraging inclines a person to fight back stubbornly. Neither is good, but the anger is the worse of the two.

The words translated as "provoke" and "wrath" are exactly the same word in Greek. The verse can legitimately be rendered as, "Do not enrage your children to enragement." We might say, "Do not arouse your children to rage." Overall, Paul is teaching us not to promote an angry mood or disposition in our children. Doing so may boomerang on us because children will eventually reflect the disposition of the parents. Firmness in correction is fine, but men, especially, must be careful about their temperament when they give correction. Paul is talking about injustice, favoritism, over-correction, neglect, and physical cruelty in correction.

John W. Ritenbaugh
The Fifth Commandment


 




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